I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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