if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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