so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
