Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
