Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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