Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
