hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
