Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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