i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize