Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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