At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
