my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize