I cannot find my penis.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
