True but thats because hes a fetus.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
