It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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