Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
