I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
