I cannot find my penis.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
