Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
