you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize