i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
