I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
