i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
