I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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