nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And then the night went full on bisexual.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
