3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
