i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
