a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize