So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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