The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
