Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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