Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
