you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
