just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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