Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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