I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
