i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
