she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
