she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
