dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
