If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
