i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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