i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
