I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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