I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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