just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
