her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
