Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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