my phone needs a breathalizer
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
