You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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