everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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