Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
