This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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