Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
