I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
