Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize