I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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