put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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